The straw

 

I've heard others talk about this moment. That one last somewhat trivial thing that ends up being the final straw. For me, it was a tee time. All of my previous posts have illustrated the straw that's already heaving its weight on my marriage. Addiction, rejection, lack of communication, selfishness, constant misunderstandings, whatever. All straw that's been piling up for YEARS.

Monday I found evidence of porn on T's phone. A few weeks ago T crossed a boundary of drinking in front of our kids. Three times recently he said he would give the kids blessings on a certain day and hasn't followed through. This is after fighting me when I suggested my dad give the blessings. He said he'd see a counselor but hasn't. He said he would have discussions with me, but won't.

I've had countless conversations over the last year where I pour out my fears and insecurities and almost beg T to please work with me. Help me figure this thing out. Those pleadings were met with "I don't want to talk about this right now", "I'm really worried about you, it seems like you need professional help if all of this upsets you so much", or my favorite, blank stares, change of the subject, a "that's nice to hear" sarcastic comment meant to cut off the conversation, or simply walking away without answering me at all. I've faced distrust issues, uncompromising attitudes and behavior, entitlement, LIES, the silent treatment and other types of victim behavior. All straw that's been gaining weight over the last almost 10 years.

So I told T on Monday that I was taking our 4 year old to the doctor on Wednesday morning, our son would be in school, but T would need to be home to watch our 3 year old so I didn't have to take her with me. I purposely planned this appointment for a Wednesday when I knew T would be home. I purposely scheduled it in the morning, but not too early, since T sleeps in, so that it wouldn't interfere with his day too much. 10:15 am. Tuesday, T tried to go golfing but it was too crowded for his taste. He spent the rest of the afternoon trying to schedule a tee time for Wednesday. He finally scheduled it but had trouble printing out his confirmation. I helped him and noticed the tee time scheduled for 11:00 am, a half hour away.

Me: "How are you going to make an 11 tee time when I'll be at the doctor with 4 year old at 10:15?
T: "What?"
Me: "How are you going to make an 11 tee time when I'll be at the doctor with 4 year old at 10:15? You need to watch 3 year old."
T: "You're not taking her with you?"
Me: "No, that would be miserable. 4 year old (who was in the room) has to get s-h-o-t-s, the wait is always forever, she's going to freak out. You are supposed to stay home with 3 year old".
T: "Sorry, I just assumed you were taking her with you. I didn't mean to inconvenience you".
Me: "Well thanks for being sorry I guess, but I am very much inconvenienced. I told you specifically I needed you to watch 3 year old. You've never taken more than one kid to the doctor, you don't know how awful it can be".
T: "Like I said, I'm sorry. I really thought you were taking her with you".

Later I asked if he tried to reschedule it, he said no. I asked him if he would, and he said that he didn't think he could. Another apology then end of discussion.

That exchange, taken out of context, probably happens in every relationship, in every family. All the time. But it was the last straw. The weight became too much. I felt not just like I wanted to be done, which I've felt a hundred times over, but like I NEEDED to be done, like it would be okay to be done.

I prayed. I felt peace. I just didn't know how to tell my husband.

As I was getting ready for bed, T came over and wanted to teach me about a proper golf swing. Earlier he actually wanted me to find a babysitter and go golf with him on Wednesday, but I don't have anyone to ask to watch the kids. It was nice, he wanted to include me, he wanted to spend time with me. And him helping me with the swing was like some scene from a romantic comedy, him standing behind me, lovingly helping and encouraging me. I started to doubt myself. I keep thinking if he'll just figure out how to TALK to me, we can figure this out, we can fight addiction and fight for each other if we could just TALK and try and understand each other.

So, as I was heading to bed, I asked T again to read Attached. He took the book with him and laughed, I calmly told him I didn't know that there was anything funny about it, I found the whole thing rather serious. He gave me a dramatic, annoyed eye roll and went down stairs to start a night of drinking and who knows what else.

A minute later I went downstairs and T was practicing his golf swing in the family room.

Me: "The reason I think that you reading this book is serious is because I feel like I want a separation. Reading this book is like my last ditch effort to fix our marriage".
T: annoyed stare (I've talked about separating before and never followed through. I figure he's thinking this is an annoying conversation he has to suffer through and it will blow over)
Me; "Well?"
T: "I don't want to have this conversation right now?"
Me: "When would you like to have it?"
T: long pause
Me: "I just feel like I can't talk to you. Like I get dismissed, rejected. It makes me feel like I don't matter to you. Like what I think and feel just doesn't matter".
T: "I never said that".
Me: "I know you don't say that, you don't say anything. That's the problem. And that's how I feel. I feel like the book might help us figure out how to understand each other, how to communicate".
T: blank stare / long pause
Me: "Okay, well I'm thinking that we can set up that man cave in the basement that you've been wanting and do an in-house separation until I find a job, and then we can find a more permanent solution".
T: Shocked stare
Me: "Do you have any comments or questions?"
T: "What do you want me to say?"
Me: "If you said to me that you wanted to separate, I'd probably have some questions" (In hindsight, I should have said I want you to say what ever you're thinking or feeling) "I love you, and I love our family. I just don't know what else to do".
T: "I get it, you want me to read the book"
Me: "Yes, please read it soon, I feel like it's really important".
T: angry/annoyed stare as he keeps swinging the golf club
Me: "Well okay, that's what I needed to say. Goodnight".
T: "Goodnight".

As I fell asleep I was sure T was acting out in addiction in some way. I thought he might leave the house. Go to a bar, go cheat on me. I don't know. But, for the first time, it felt like I didn't have to worry about it. I finally LET GO AND LET GOD, for real. I can't do a thing about what T chooses to do. I'm leaving him in God's hands. I woke up a hundred times last night. The kids were up early. I have fleeting fears and moments of indecision that I'm sure will intensify as we move forward.

I woke up to a deleted internet history on the ipad and a book mark placed after the preface of Attached. I prayed some more. I asked God to let me know if I'm making a big mistake, but otherwise I'm moving forward as planned. It's 9:30 a.m. on Wednesday, T is still sleeping and I have to go get ready to take my two daughters to the doctor. This afternoon while T is golfing, I'll continue my job hunt.