Crisis

This morning I was in crisis mode. I was having a mental crisis. I couldn't think or reason. I was having an emotional crisis. I couldn't stop crying. I was anxious and  I was scared that I was literally becoming crazy, right in that very moment. They would pin-point January 20th, 2014 at 10:38 as the moment I lost it for good.

These crises have all been building, and coming and going for years, but this morning was different because it was accompanied by a very real crisis of faith.

I've been able to handle (not always well mind you, but handle none-the-less) whatever this messy life has thrown at me because I believe in a loving God that is guiding me and sustaining me.

This morning, I think I still believe all that, but I just can't understand. I'm so tired. I've been so stressed for so long. I need relief. I need peace.

T is not in recovery. In fact, he quit going to counseling too after 4 or 5 sessions. Him getting help was the condition I set for staying in the marriage. With his decision to quit therapy, without even telling me, seemed like the sign. I've been living a life that I don't want for a long time. I don't like our schedules, I don't like the sacrifices that I make to accommodate the choices T makes. I don't like that I can't be real or vulnerable with my husband. I don't like that we don't talk about anything that matters. I don't like that I can't trust him. I don't like that he lies. I don't like that he's a different person around me than he is around everyone else at work or when he's with his friends. I don't like that I'm married to a man who seems to have no respect for women and thinks its perfectly okay to treat them as objects to satisfy his lust. I'm angry about all this sometimes. But, mostly I'm just sad. Sad that T can't see that his choices have hurt us. Sad that T won't address whatever issues he's dealing with. Sad that he won't talk to me about anything real. Sad that I'm living a life that I don't want.

So, back to this morning. Ever since T admitted to me, about two weeks ago, that he was no longer going to therapy, I've been trying to figure out what to do. There didn't seem to be any sign of anything ever being different. I can tolerate this life for now, and I have. There's enough distraction with kids and work and church that I can push aside the emptiness from the "non-marriage" that I seem to have. But, I can't IMAGINE still having this life in ten years. I can't imagine trying to parent teenagers with my husband. I can't imagine taking trips together or being retired together. I can't imagine the loneliness I feel lasting years and years. And, since it doesn't seem like anything was changing, I figured as awful as it would be, and as sad as it would be, and despite how much I can't stand the thought of hurting my kids, it seemed like it was time to separate. Why spend more time unhappy and scared and lonely to just delay the inevitable?

So I prayed about it. I told Heavenly Father I had decided to talk to T about separation and that if it wasn't right, I'd do His will, but he needed to let me know.

The next day, T did three things that made me think there was a slight chance for hope. Enough to make me feel uneasy about asking for a separation. A separation with which I felt logically justified, but never at peace. I chalked that lack of peace up to the fact that it would be hard, and sad, and wasn't what anyone really wanted, but was probably best for us both in the long run.

But that sliver of hope. Those three things. Those things that should be out weighed by the 30 things he did to prove that he's an addict and our lives and values aren't really compatible, made it impossible to feel any kind of resolve to separate.

And now I feel mad. I don't want a divorce. But I don't want this life either. If T isn't going to change, I don't want this, and divorce seems the only option. It seems foolish and stupid to wait around hoping someone will choose to change. I have no control over that. And there is very little, only three tiny little instances, over two days that suggest he MIGHT. So why does a loving Heavenly Father want me to stay in a marriage where I am emotionally mistreated. A marriage that is lonely. A marriage that makes it harder for me to teach my children. Why won't God allow me to feel peace about taking control of my life and choosing to do what I can for me, to make myself happy. Why, when I pray so diligently for direction, am I constantly conflicted.

I feel like I've had to minimize and downplay T's choices and my feelings. I remind myself constantly that he's hurting too, and he doesn't know what to do either, which is why he indulges in addiction. From that point of thought, I can feel compassion and love and a desire to help. But I can't help. I am powerless. So I continue to be hurt. I continue to try and push through. I continue to take it a day, a moment, at a time. And I'm okay. But why can't I be more than okay? Why won't a loving Heavenly Father give me the miracle of peace that he's promised? Either peace to endure this mess or the ability to feel peace about moving on.