Two conversations

Disclaimer: I'm not sure when this blog morphed from my personal attempts at recovery to a play-by-play of my drama. I'm not sure it has ever been what I intended, actually. I never wanted for the "this is what happened, this is what he said" etc. to be the bulk of my content. I think I'm in a recovery rut, for a lot of reasons. And, it helps to hash out some of the details. I'm not currently seeing a therapist and since I obviously have the same issue of venting my drama in person as I do writing it out, this happens to be the venue where I'm processing. So, all that to say, I don't know that reading this would be particularly helpful to anyone, and could in fact be a trigger. I certainly wouldn't call it uplifting writing. But it's real. It's where I'm at right now and I have to write it out to process - so take it or leave it I suppose ;)

What. a. day.

It's freezing and snowing, so my normal 30 minute commute to work this morning took an hour and 10 minutes. Yuck.

Half-way through the work day, my husband texts me: "spytech?"

Apparently, I left open the spying software I installed on our computer. T didn't know about it. I actually thought the program I owned and installed was called something else so I didn't answer his direct question about spying on him when he texted me. He called me out on avoiding his questions texting me, "don't play coy". I also didn't want to talk about this over text or while I was at work.

On my LONG drive home I ran through all the scenarios of various five minute discussions we might have before he'd have to leave for work. I decided that although I'd probably feel more anxious now that I can't discretely check when T's lying, but that overall, I was glad to be honest about what I put on our computer and why and hope that maybe we could start a real conversation about where to go from here. Ideally, that he can have the privacy he wants and I won't feel threatened by that because he's open and honest and seeking recovery. Or not. I imagined scenarios that didn't go well at all. But whatever the result, I figured it was best to have the information out and have a discussion. After all, that's what I'm always asking for.

The convo didn't go terribly. I told T why I installed the software (I believe it was right around the time he was purposely showing me that he could use incognito and other tools to "claim back his privacy", kind of missing the whole point of the discussions we'd been having, whatever... ). I asked him if he was mad. He kind of laughed like he does, and said "I'm used to it". I asked if he has any questions about the program or anything he wanted to ask me. He said no. The conversation probably would have ended there. I pushed a little. I told him I would be pretty mad if I thought someone was spying on me and that I would also be upset if my husband felt he had reason to spy, or felt he couldn't trust me. T said "I don't have anything to hide so it doesn't really matter".  And somewhere in there was the line that I "needed to have realistic expectations". I'm not sure what he meant by that and we didn't have time to talk about it.

The more I think about it- the more I'm upset by it all. It really isn't right to be in a relationship where I can't feel safe. People should be allowed some level of privacy, and under normal circumstances I wouldn't fathom snooping or checking up on my husband. There's just been so many lies. I can't imagine lying like it's nothing to anyone really, let alone my spouse. He is so good at saying, seemingly sincerely, what he thinks I want to hear, and then doing and saying completely contradictory things when he thinks I won't know. Clearly, this is no way to live and love; where the anxiety of wondering what he's doing is so strong that I felt it necessary to use a spying program. I don't know. As always, I'm torn over what it all means so I'm typing it out, trying to figure it out.

As a follow up to the last post, I cleaned my house which allowed me to exert enough control and shut off my mind that I avoided a complete break down, but I have to admit, the whole scenario scared me. I'm clearly not getting the self-care and help that I need. I can feel stress building.

Later that night, T told me that he was in fact still seeing his therapist; that he was due to see him back in six weeks. The appointment should be coming up soon. It doesn't make any sense. I don't know why he was either lying before about not going anymore, was purposely vague trying to make me think he wasn't going, or is lying now. T also said that he planned to cut alcohol "out of his diet". When I asked for clarification he said 1 to 3 drinks, 1 or 2 nights a week. Obviously not the same as "cutting it out" and obviously not likely to happen. He's an addict. He still can't grasp his inability to control the situation. By the time we had this conversation, I was pretty numb. Recovered from my near crisis, but not all relieved or hopeful about what he shared as far as drinking or therapy. In theory, it was good news, It just didn't make any sense and I felt nothing.

There's also been instances where I've heard or see things said by or about T, to or by friends or co-workers that are upsetting. I honestly don't think T's acting out with anyone outside of the marriage (though I couldn't say for sure - I've read enough fellow WoPA stories to not be surprised) but he clearly talks and jokes in a way that makes people say things like "I bet T has a blow-up doll you could borrow".

Just, ewww.

I don't want to overreact, and I don't want to take what is obviously a joke (made by someone other than T) as evidence of my husband's character... but, still. Who is this guy I think I know, that I think I love, who apparently is someone totally different when I'm not around? What's the real him? Does he even know? If he's 100% that other guy, really, even anything more than 50%, and the guy I get to see and talk to is a front, I'm not really interested in being linked to him for the rest of my life. I suppose it's too late to claim I don't want that guy as the male role model for my kids. But how do you even separate it out? I don't feel like the good in him is cancelled out by it, and I don't feel like I have any right to expect perfection in morals or character. I certainly can't bring that to the table myself. But shouldn't there be some level of decency? I feel like I'm the mom from Everybody Loves Raymond saying, "T, I don't like that" as he spouts off sexist, discriminating, or demeaning comments - only it's not ever really done in front of me to object to in the first place. I guess I just assumed. I thought I was married to someone who conducted himself in a way that wouldn't lend to these types of jokes and obscene pictures being directed at him.

Anyway, I'm still mostly just numb to it all. And as always, I don't know what happens from here. It feels like a fake life. We run through the motions and enjoy spending time together and hanging out with our kids, but at least for me, there's always the numbness and the underlying doubts and questions and lack of trust. How's that for a depressing state of being?