The ache

Have you seen this article?

In which I am learning to live with the ache.

As I read the article, I related.

I was comforted to know that I'm not alone in these feelings. I've always felt like MY ache on this subject was heightened because I didn't know when I had my last baby (almost 4 years ago now), that she would be my last. At the time, I also had a 2 and 1 year old. Heck, I barely remember my youngest baby being a baby. 

I barely remember, and I didn't know she'd be my last. Sometimes, when I think about it, I feel gypped. I feel regret.

But while I was reading that article, I was hit with a much more heart wrenching scenario. I didn't LIVE those moments while they were happening. I didn't live them, and I can't have them back. I spent years angry and sad and depressed and worried and busy and tired. Some of that was the nature of having three babies while working and going to school. Some of that was due to holes being cut out of my heart by addiction.

All of it, those feelings, that numbness, was within my control. I just didn't know it. I can't fault myself. I really, truly didn't know I had choice over my feelings and reactions. I did what I could fighting fatigue and heartbreak. Fear and loneliness. All any of us can ask of ourselves is to keep showing up. Even asking ourselves to try and be our BEST selves, all the time is too much. That's not real. Wallowing in guilt over those "failures" of not always trying your best won't help anything. Keep showing up; I did that.

But I don't want to miss anymore of these moments. My babies are now 6, 5 and almost 4. They aren't babies. There are frustrating and hard things about these ages. (Ask me how fun it was to clean up the poop my youngest "dropped"??? on the bathroom floor this afternoon, then stepped in, and tracked halfway through the house without ever saying a word). I'm sure there are hard and frustrating things about every stage of raising children. I don't want to dwell on that. I don't want to be undone by that. I want to savor the moments that matter. Starting now, I'm planning to LIVE my life, to be present.

I'm anticipating that I won't be my best at this new plan all the time, but I do want to make a concerted effort to find a piece of joy each day. Cherish the good that comes with each new stage I get to experience.

After reading the article, I realize that no matter what my circumstances (regardless of what they were, and whatever they will be in the future) there will always be an ache, a longing, as time passes. I just want that ache to be because I wish to re-experience some wonderful memories. Textbook nostalgia. That's the ache I want. I don't want holes and emptiness because I missed out, lost out, on the chance to experience what was going on all around me. I don't want to ache because I was too damaged by the effects of addiction to actually live my life as it happens.