Be free

Sorry for another pinterest find with no real source. But this is timely for me. I recently found evidence of more active addiction. I never even brought it up. I was upset of course, but I knew it was going on, I just now had some evidence.

I was just trying to talk to T about something else unrelated (another blasted wedding this weekend) and he shut down. Walked off, changed the subject, accused me of "not feeling well" I think he was insinuating PMS or something, making me feel as if I have not right to disagree, no right to a differing opinion. 

Alcohol and porn aside, I can't be in a relationship where nothing REAL can ever be discussed. Where I can't say what I think and feel with out setting off a bomb of passive aggressive hostility. 

We have a lot of fun and enjoy each other as long as we're talking about sports, politics, current events, what happened to me today, what the kids did. We're really good friends. BUT if we try and talk about how anyone feels, what we should do about x, y or z, how we should discipline our children, etc. it's impossible. If we try to discuss anything that would make our relationship more meaningful than friendly, it's impossible. T shuts down and turns off. 

He agreed to read attached (he is blatantly avoidant and if he doesn't address that, we don't have much hope unless I'm willing to stuff down and choke back my needs. I don't think I am), but he agrees to a lot and never follows through. I'm to the point where I want to work on things apart. I don't want to give up. I want to figure out how I can make this great friend of mine, a great partner and how I can be a great partner for him. But I can't do that while I'm holding on. I have to let go. We have to be free to figure out for ourselves how this marriage can survive.