Today is hard

I feel like I'm going crazy, or like something is REALLY wrong, or both. My 3 year old hasn't stopped crying/whining in weeks. I think she's tired. But, she won't take naps anymore. I'm pretty certain T is hiding something, a game changer? I don't know. I pray for clarity and direction. I'm trying to discern whether I'm letting anxiety and fear consume me or it really is my gut telling me "get to the bottom of this". I pretty much laid down an ultimatum when I told T about my new boundaries. And he's pretty much been detached and distant since. So have I.

He told me he didn't like the idea of "deal breakers" in marriage. Does that sound like a license to make excuses for basically anything, or what?

I printed a list of counselors covered by our insurance and asked him who he'd prefer to see (he asked me to find one for him, and although I'd prefer he own this process, it fell into what are usually my responsibilities at home and I figured there might be a chance of this actually getting done if I take it on). I asked him if he wanted to see a man or a woman. He didn't know what I was talking about at first and said "a woman" all quick like I was asking him who he'd prefer to sleep with or something. Sick. He then said, "Wait, what for?" I told him. T then went on about what a scam therapy is. A complete 180* from the night before, when he agreed to talk to anyone, essentially as long as it wasn't me.

A google search for our state's child support laws showed up in our internet history. I assume that means he's made his decision about the "ultimatum". Or he's at least considering all the options. It hit like a punch to the gut, but I can't say I blame him. I've been considering all the options for over a year now.

At this point I'm so tired of everything. I just need to KNOW. Whatever way this is going to go, I'll be okay. My kids will be okay. If it ends, it will be heartbreaking and hard. But just about everyday in this limbo is heartbreaking and hard too. I need some sense of closure, either we're going to end this or we're honestly going to do what it takes to fix it. I just want to KNOW NOW! (believe me, I know I sound like a brat. I'm sure that's what God thinks as I'm pleading with him, though he's much more understanding than I, so he's probably offering compassion instead). Either way, I can't seem to help it right now, I want to know what I need to know, this second. I guess patience is a lost virtue for me. I want to know if there are some big lies hiding in my marriage, if so, if there's any chance of us moving past it or not. Or maybe, if I'm allowing insanity to run away with my brain, dish and spoon style.

Every time I make up my mind to live in the present, focus on me and my recovery, love my kids, take care of my home, look for a job, etc. this creeping feeling that something must be wrong sneaks up on me. I can't shake it. That's why I feel like it might be my gut even though it's causing anxiety that feels like anything but peace and assurance. I've made up my mind to always do the next right thing, now matter how hard or scary it might seem. I just wish I knew what that was...