My many loaves of bread

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During the Relief Society Broadcast last night, President Monson spoke of the mindfulness of our Savior. He reiterated that He is always there. There is nothing we can do to lose His love. No matter our trials, He is with us. He is there every step of the way. EVERY SINGLE STEP. He spoke specifically of a woman whose faith faltered during a difficult battle with cancer. She was reminded of her Savior's awareness and love for her by an unsolicited gift of a loaf of homemade bread.

Jesus Christ and His angels are guiding you. Especially when you are trying so desperately hard to do what is right, He is carving the path you are following. He is leading you by the hand and granting answer to your prayers. But, even when you've messed up, even when you feel you've given up, that it's too hard, that there's no way you can possibly do this any longer, that you don't have a single shred of faith left, HE IS STILL THERE. He is still loving and guiding and sustaining EVERY SINGLE STEP.

We just don't always feel it. Sometimes the fear is so strong. When the fear and anxiety and stress are too much, we can't feel our own faith. It's hard to hope, even in Him.

Sometimes I'm guilty of jealousy when it comes to those simple, obvious miracles, like that loaf of bread. I want my own tender mercies straight from heaven. Sometimes in the midst of my self-pity, I forget that I've already received more loaves of bread than can be counted.

September 2011
My life was difficult. My husband was job searching and had been for over a year. Our savings were draining since T had finished school and the GI Bill checks had long since stopped arriving in our bank account. I was working in a very stressful environment. T and I tag-teamed as parents, but never saw much of each other. We had three very young children and all the stress that comes with them. Something was very wrong, but I didn't know what. T had long since been less than active in the church. He enjoyed alcohol and I often felt alone and rejected because I was uncomfortable being around him when he choose to indulge, although he never seemed to act out of line. I hated it, but had learned to accept it. I never thought of it as a "problem". Nothing in our lives seemed particularly different, but SOMETHING was wrong and my stress, and T's stress, was mounting.

Then, one day while visiting my parents, my Dad told me he woke at 4 am with the impression that the Lord wanted to bless my husband. My Dad was uneasy with this "impression". He wasn't sure he was entitled to revelation for T, but decided that since he was T's father-in-law and at the time, also his stake president, he would do well to act on the inspiration. He told me he felt he need to give T a priesthood blessing. T's response, "If the Lord wants to bless me, who am I to turn that down". T received a priesthood blessing. Though I wanted to be there, my babies were acting up and I was unable to hear the blessing. This was extremely disappointing at the time - I felt I needed that blessing every bit as much as my husband, and in my pride, probably felt I would have appreciated it more. In hindsight, it was divine intervention. If I had heard the words of that blessing, I'd likely have been trying to micromanage T and his spiritual progression for the last two years, rather than following the path of letting go and letting God.

A few days after this experience, my dad mentioned to me, "I almost forgot, but I also felt impressed to tell you that the Lord is hearing your prayers". I literally burst into tears. Full on ugly-crying tears. I may have forgotten to breathe. Peace washed over my body. I knew what he was saying was true. My prayers were being heard. Literally two days prior I had never felt so alone. I pleaded the only tearful prayer I could muster, the same one I'd whispered less dramatically for the last several months and it went something like this, "Father, if you are there, hear me and help me. I don't know what to do and I can't do whatever this is, anymore". I was grateful for my dad. I felt what he said was true. BUT, I was a little put out. Why wasn't God answering me? Why did my Dad get my answers? Why couldn't I FEEL it when I prayed? That's when my I realized my fear was crowding out my faith. I was so consumed with stress and anxiety that I couldn't hear or feel any relief from God. But, He didn't stop trying to answer me. When it was clear I wasn't going to LET Him answer me, He sought out my dad.

Shortly after that blessing, T was offered a job he had been looking for for over a year. I assumed that this is what the Lord meant when he prompted my dad "I want to bless T". We were grateful, but I was not relieved of the stress I felt. Instead, the prospect of moving, the timing, the cost, the EVERYTHING, overwhelmed me.

In November 2011 I found out my husband had at some point over the last several years, or maybe since way before I knew him (I still don't really know the details) added pornography use to his list of coping strategies. I was broken.

Also, our water heater was broken. There was no money left to fix it. We tried every self fix we could think of and were dreading having to call a repair man. So, I added to my new prayer that went something like this, "Father, I know you are there. I know you hear me. But I still don't feel your answers. Please help me. I don't know what to do. Also, if you could help us with this water heater. I know it's so small. I know it's so insignificant when it compares to the needs of others. But it's just too much. Please help it to be fixed".

Within a week, my father-in-law, who is a contractor, was working at a home where the water heater was broken. This water heater was doing the SAME thing that my water heater was doing. The home owner called a repair man. He was there when my father-in-law was working, and he showed my father-in-law the simple, easy, FREE fix. My father-in-law came over and fixed my water heater in minutes.

December 2011 - April 2012
Any of you read Twilight? In the second book in the series the main character lives through several months where she exists, but not really. The time is marked in single-page chapters that are filled with nothing but the name of the month. That's what these months were for me. Even being able to quit my stressful job in January had little affect. I was being crushed by the weight of my burden. T and I argued or ignored each other. I acted out as a victim as the only response I knew. I desperately searched for help in dealing with the porn use. The church has been so direct about this problem, how was there not any help for someone in my situation? I read a few talks on divorce, on the dangers of pornography. Sometimes it helped. My only relief was the gym.

May-July 2012
Our 1040 sq ft, two bedroom, one bath home that housed five people was on the market. A depressed, rocky, unstable housing market. The stress I felt oozed out in everything I did and said. I have no idea what kind of parent I was at this point, I honestly don't remember. I'm sure this is also a blessing because it couldn't have been good. I prayed non-stop to be able to cope. After-all, I was still very much broken. We had to show our home three times. The first time, T was unavailable to help, but his mom, dad and sister came to my rescue. It literally would not have been possible to get my house in showing condition with three littles undoing everything in one room while I worked on another without help. The next two showings happened to be on the same day, T again was at work. Thankfully, my Mom was able to watch my kids. I survived and we got an acceptable offer on our house within two weeks.

There were a series of issues with our old home that threatened to derail the sale for months. We struggled to find a new home and were homeless for 2 weeks during the transition. Except we weren't, because T's family graciously took us in a let us park a HUGE u-haul of all our earthly belongings in their backyard. We were able to move into a beautiful new 4 bedroom, 2.5 bathroom home with room to spare.

December 2012
I found the hope and healing forum. An entire year after I started looking. I actually started to find hope and healing. The program is aptly named. The significance of this twelve month search is that it was the very end of November 2012 when I realized my husband had a significant drinking problem. I was so hurt, so literally crushed by the porn, that I didn't notice how perilous the alcohol use had become. If I had found the forum or some other 12-step help sooner, I like to think, but don't know for sure if, I still would have been made aware of T's other addiction. I still don't know all the reasons for why things happened in exactly the order and time frame they did, but I know it was all in the Lord's hands. He has a specific timetable. I'm not broken anymore. I found help. And before I did, I was sustained, I was able to cope. I made it through, by the grace of God, all those months, before the help came.

Tomorrow
I will start a new job. A lot of stress, and a lot of worry were poured into the decision of whether to go back to work. A month ago I had given up, and decided to put the decision on hold. I got on the computer to check the forum and before I could click on anything, a website I had book marked popped up without me clicking on anything. It was the employment page for a near-by school district. It was weird, that this website popped up all on it's own. I took it for a sign and looked to see if there was anything available that would be a fit for me. There was. I applied. A week later I was called for an interview. I went, and was asked back for a second and was hired on the spot. I was torn about taking the job. I prayed. As soon as I made the decision, everything fell into place and it felt LIBERATING. I'm not trapped. I didn't even know I felt trapped.

T will have to take on a lot more responsibility at home, but he actually said, "I could use more structure in my life". I have hope for my marriage these days. But I'm grateful to know the Lord is guiding my every step. I'm grateful to recognize the many miracles that have happened. I'm sure there were many more that I missed along the way.

I'm certain now that the blessing God wanted for T was much more than a new job. He is offering salvation. He is offering freedom from the chains of addiction. T has to choose the help. He has to choose to accept that AMAZING gift. None of this is happening quickly, but it's happening. Our family is being blessed and everything seems to be aligning to give T and myself the opportunity to change. We simply have to CHOOSE to allow His grace to change us. I have made that choice. I'm still daily making mistakes, but I don't give up. I pray T will make the same choice too. But I know, ultimately, my happiness, my salvation, doesn't depend on it.