A shift

T swears he committed to me and wants to make things work. He agreed to see a therapist. I printed off the list of therapists in our area covered by our insurance. I highlighted some that had expertise in addiction. T laughed when he saw the list. I said, "I thought it might be a good idea to talk to someone who really knows their stuff, so, if it's not a problem, as you say, you'll know pretty quickly and we can move onto the real issues". I thought that was pretty clever of me. T wanted nothing to do with it.

But, he did do his own search for a therapist. He searched for a marriage therapist in our area. Then, he searched for a divorce therapist in our area. I may or may not have freaked out a little bit about that. It was 2 am when I saw it, and it's a good thing. I would have done something or said something I regretted had T been available for discussion in the moment. He seems 100% completely sincere when I ask him if he really wants to try and work no things. So I don't know why he keeps searching for things related to quitting. But I shouldn't make any assumptions. I won't get the whole truth from T and I can't blame him for thinking through his options. I just wish it all felt more stable.

We were at another wedding yesterday. After our discussion a few nights ago, T almost had me convinced that I was overreacting about the drinking. After yesterday, there is no denying there is a lot of cause for concern. There were points yesterday when I was SO angry. I was literally shouting in the few moments I was alone in the car. I was sulking and embarrassed. I was so sad when the pastor talked about marriage, about commitment, communication, and Christ being the keys. There were points in the day when I couldn't even look at T. There were points where I had to endure the pitting glances of other women because I was literally married to that guy acting like a fool with his tie on his head.

That might have been it. The point where my attitude shifted. Or maybe it was on the way to the wedding. We were running quite late and T was a groomsman. He was freaked out about how late he thought we were (of course it ended up being no big deal) but on the way there he kept asking, "what's wrong with me? why can't I get where I need to be" and then when we were behind someone slow, he really got MAD and started freaking out about how he just needs a drink, and why didn't he put anything in that nice flask his groom buddy got for him. T has NEVER acted like that in front of me before.

Regardless of the precise moment, I shifted. Maybe back and forth a few times. But my attitude went from self-righteous anger, loneliness and sadness to compassion. T is so very sick. He has no idea. He keeps trying so desperately to fill that giant God hole of his and he is digging himself deeper and deeper.

As I was lying awake at 2 and 3 and 4 a.m. last night wondering about divorce therapists and the impossible mountains we have to climb, I was hurting. I was hurting bad. But, for the first time in a long time, I thought about what T might think when he wakes up. He's going to be hurting bad too. Physical pain because there's no way, no matter what tolerance you've built up over the years, to avoid the hangover that's going to crush him. But, I also can't imagine the deep shame and guilt and confusion that comes from completely giving over to addiction like that.

In the past, after a night not so intense, but similar, I would be angry and persecuting toward T. I wanted him to know that I hurt. While I know none of this is my fault, and I know I have every RIGHT to feel what I feel, I am justified in my anger and sadness, my un-Christlike approach to handling those emotions only fed the shame and guilt.

I'm not to blame for T's problems. I'm also not to save him from them. But I certainly don't have to feed the illness that has consumed this man that I love. I can have sympathy, and at times, even empathy that he must be hurting so badly. Speaking kindly to him, loving him and being there for him, even when I'm mad and completely disprove of his choices, doesn't make me an enabler.

I want him to get help, not to fix my own pain, the Savior and I can handle that together. I want T to get help so that he doesn't have to be in pain anymore either.

That's new for me. It's a shift in attitude and it's freeing.