Learn to discern

We had a special Stake Conference this weekend. We had an apostle from the Quorum of the Twelve visit us. There were lots of events planned to commemorate his visit and highlight the ten year anniversary of some special events in our area. I was able to attend most of the happenings and feel blessed to have been among women and men who are so inspired, so loving, and so willing to serve others. (It's curbing some of my jealousy at not being able to attend the Togetherness Project next weekend ;)

The overall message of the weekend, which several people admitted to being different than what they had planned to speak about, was to learn to discern.

Over and over again, regardless of the context of the talk, was the notion that God the Father and Jesus Christ know us and love us. They know EXACTLY what we need, EXACTLY when we need it. We just have to figure out how to do our part to tap into that information.

I've spent the majority of the last couple of weeks in a foul mood, mostly, I've determined, as a result from guilt and anger over my own weaknesses. I came away from my meetings this weekend wanting to be easier on myself. To allow myself to feel what I feel and work through it. But mostly, I'm committed to recommitting to searching for God.

I am so very tired of my current situation with T. It's just so old! The same fights, the same hurt feelings, the same betrayals. I'm so t-i-r-e-d of it all. And I've grown so pessimistic about the situation. For so long, nothing has changed. I'm to the point now where I've allowed T's actions to influence me in a really negative way. I'm making poor choices that then fuel this pessimistic train of negativity. If I felt any sense of peace about it, I think we would be separating, but for whatever reason, I don't. At all. There's some reason why God sees it fit for me to stick with this commitment I've made. So, I'm committed to seeking God and learning to discern so that I can move out of this spot I've been stuck in for so, so, sooooo long.

An Apostle of Jesus Christ talked about practicing following promptings and seeking to fine tune our discernment. He talked about praying to really know the Lord. He talked about doing whatever we need to do to make our relationship with Christ a priority so that when those trials that inevitably come, we'll know what to do, we'll know what to say, because we've practiced discovering the will of God by learning to discern through prayer and through taking action. He said specifically, if something seems right, but you're not sure if it's real inspiration from God, act on it! It's only through testing your impressions and having the courage to try, to move, to DO SOMETHING that we'll ever be able to figure out what it is the Lord really wants us to do with the potential He's given each of us.

I've spent a lot of time blaming T for bringing crap into our home, crap into our family, crap into our marriage, and he's not blameless for sure. But, I'm responsible for the level of light and happiness I feel in my life, not T. If I don't like how my home feels, or how I feel, or how I behave towards my kids, that's on me to fix. It's time to get to work. It's time to move toward God.

One thing that stuck out from conference, stated by our stake president, was that it's the adversary that wants us to be idle. He's the one who wants us to be guilty and angry and STUCK because it serves his purpose, not God's. Our Father in Heaven wants nothing more than to give us what we need. Sometimes what we need is to figure out how to trust Him and how to hear Him when he directs us.

It's okay to be mad at T. It's okay to be frustrated and disappointed and confused and hurt. It's okay to plead for things to change. Infact, this Apostle said, "Of course we will plead for the desirable outcome (in my case, T to change and our marriage to be saved) but ultimately, we need to trust in the divine plan of the Creator". It's okay to ask God to change T. It might not happen, but it's not wrong to ask. What's wrong is assuming that the only way I CAN BE happy, is if T changes. What is really necessary is trusting that God is going to give me exactly what I need as I continue to seek for Him. He won't override T's agency, but He also won't give up on T. And no matter what, He won't give up on me, either.

I love the gospel of Jesus Christ. I love the comfort I can feel in knowing that no matter what my circumstances, or the choices of those around me, I can seek solace from the One who knows me and knows where I need to go.