Sit with it

Anyone whose at all familiar with addiction, or co-dependence (or any of this situation, or many others probably) knows how the emotions hit you.

The roller coaster. It flies and dips and turns. It can make you feel crazy and sick.

But when you recognize that the emotions don't last forever, that you can't control them, that you have to learn how to ride and let go, you can manage. You learn to sit with whatever you're feeling at the moment and refrain from reacting rashly. You learn that this particular discomfort will pass, at some point. Sit with it. Try to understand it. Learn something from it if you can. Don't let it control you.

I've spent a few years learning all of the above. I had no idea what I was practicing for.

T and I decided to separate and I apparently jumped on the highest, fastest, curviest, loop-de-loop roller coaster ever invented.

I can feel hundreds of emotions in one day. Often dozens all at once. There's a little relief. There's a little comfort, there's some sense that this is necessary and there's some hope that I can get off the ride some day. But, for the most part, it is UNCOMFORTABLE! Anxiety and Fear, Sadness and Anger. Confusion. Betrayal. Disbelief. Rejection. They used to creep up when a trigger presented. Now, they slam into me irregardless of my surroundings. Yesterday I was wrapped up in teaching a lesson to a group of seventh graders that are pretty difficult and my lesson was going really well, I was pleased, and distracted to the point that I forgot I was on a roller coaster. Then I turned to grab something, and BAM! right in the face and gut, all at once. I think I made an audible gasp, but I honestly don't remember.

But my roller coaster is speeding. The obstacles are frequent and fierce. but also shorter lived. It's all moving faster, so the dips, hills, twists, whatever, come and go quickly and are replaced with the next surprise emotion.

I started off last week forgetting what I knew about sitting. I wanted to leap off that ride as soon as it took off. I used sarcasm and endless questions of T trying to figure out how to get off, to get rid of the crazy spinning in my head and the sick pit in my stomach. Every old bad habit of unintentional manipulation and attempts to control launched me further away from any sense of calm or peace.

Then I remembered. You have to ride. You have to sit with it. It will pass. And it does. The ride keeps moving swiftly. I'm figuring out the how, why and what of what exactly I'm feeling. I try and articulate it, determine it's source. I let myself feel it when I can, creating boundaries as necessary, and shove it down when I have to in order to function in my many roles, but remember to revisit and self-care later on.

I'm remembering how awful the slow, endless coaster was and am committed to sticking with this brutal faster one hoping that letting go, riding it out, will get me to level ground.