Vegetables

During our rough conversation last week, T was in the middle of prepping meals for the week. He was chopping broccoli. He looked at me and said, "Remember when we were first married and I didn't really eat any vegetables. You gave me a hard time about that and always cooked them." I agreed with him, though it seemed like a pretty random thought. He then said something to the effect of, "You were worried about me. You just wanted me to be healthy. You weren't trying to be a nag telling me how I should live". I agreed with that statement too and the conversation turned back to what we were really talking about. Lost happiness and potential big changes in our family.

That brief conversation felt like it was T's way of acknowledging my sincere intentions. It felt like him saying, "I get it. You're not trying to control me, you're trying to help me". It was nice to hear, even in a vague vegetable statement. It's nice to be acknowledged and treated with fairness, rather than be accused of untrue motives. It's nice. I'm not sure it changes anything.

I had some conversations with friends. I started looking into the legalities of divorce, convinced T is more knowledgeable than I am. And then I circled back to T. What exactly are we talking about doing?

T backed tracked on the "by the time I'm 35" statement. I think the anxiety that comes whenever we honestly consider divorce was starting a minor panic in both of us. I told him that as hard as the idea of breaking up our family seemed, the idea of getting off of the merry-go-round of issues we've been on sounded appealing. Things have to be different.

During our discussion last week, I meekly mentioned that maybe his unhappiness was at least partly due to drinking and addiction. Maybe he took that to heart. Maybe he realized this was a vegetable conversation.

T stated he was going to cut out alcohol for 30 days and see if he feels any differently. We're on day 5. I have no idea if he's holding to his commitment, though there's no evidence that he's not. So far nothing feels any different, though my heart may be numb. He's also on first shift this month, when these kinds of commitments are easier to keep. I don't know if he has any intention/desire to abstain when the challenge will be much more daunting.

I've had some people ask me if I've done all I can. I truly feel that I have. I'm convinced I've daone everything that is within my control. I've spoken my peace, I've learned to control my emotions and examine my intentions. I've pleaded and prayed and detached with love. I've tried to support, encourage conversation. I've asked him explicitly if there's something in particular I can do differently to help our situation. I've tried counseling, and maybe that seems limited as I've explained on this blog, but when you're with someone who is so guarded and closed off in communication, there's only so much you can do on your own. It has been 11 years. Assuming our relationships ends, I don't think I will look back with regret wishing I had done more. I've prayerfully considered, and I don't know what more I could do.

I've done my part, or at least I'm comfortable with my efforts, in my marriage. I still hope and pray for miracles. But I'm confident that neither God nor I, will/can force anyone's choices.

So, I'm left with more "let's wait and see". T eats a lot of vegetables these days.